How to Kill Your Shredder

You at home might be wondering 

how you, too, can kill your shredder.

Well, the wait is over!  

Follow these steps for certain success:

Step 1:  Do not even out the distribution of paper and random items to shred.  Rather, be sure to jam as much of the material into one side of the shredder as possible.  This will allow the shredding mechanism inside the shredder to immediately choke, sputter, and clog.  This is an important first step in the killing of your shredder.  

Step 2:  When the shredder pretends to almost un-jam itself, simply remove the cover of your shredder, tip it on its side, and continue the shredding process as if nothing happened.  This will confuse the shredder, allow your half-shredded paper to colorfully display itself on your clean carpet, and guarantee that your shredder will start to shoot sparks from the engine inside.  Caution:  this step may involve tiny flames.   Keep away from all paper.  

Step 3:  You're almost there!  Finally, hit the reverse button on your shredder, completing what was clearly inevitable:  the death of your shredder.  Do not be alarmed at the loud chainsaw-like noise being emitted from your shredder.  These are its final, primal yelps before it lets go and dies on your office floor. 

Congratulations on successfully killing your shredder!